The Vigil

The horizon glows

The sun never comes

This is The Vigil

Once I was a dancer

I moved for the thrill in my blood

Once I was a lover of souls

I listened for the wonder of old songs in new colours

Once I was a laugher

I bubbled in sadness and in silliness

Once I was a solid rock

The waves echoed in me but I never felt them hit

With every crash, gleefully I knew that I lived

And the flat horizon was my everlasting view

What happened?

Now I quake with every crash

Edges break and fall and sink

The water level rises

The horizon tilts in and out of sight

I close my eyes and dream of the flat horizon

And think my eyes are open

Now I laugh with a sneer

Else I cannot bear the dysfunction

Now I listen with a simmering ear

Irate at the pain in the simplest of lives

Now I am a pacer

Manacled in tight, thrilling steps

What happened?

I close my eyes and think that they are open

I will be a dancer again

If I can take the manacles off sometimes

I will be a lover of souls

If I can hear the burns singing instead of screaming

I will be a laugher

If dysfunction is curable one day

I will be a solid rock

If waves can smooth instead of crack

Oh maker

Oh healer

Oh singer

Oh blacksmith

You have made many promises

Keep them now,

You who let souls shatter with hate

Keep them now,

You who offer the sun but hide it over the horizon

Keep them now,

You who let dreams replace sight,

First dancer

First lover

First laugher

First rock

Keep them

Melt the iron down and show me how to dance again

My body is a work of art that should beget works of art

Here we are, let’s go

Sing a symphony with the one voice that has heard all the voices

Who say, after the end, that pain has a purpose

Let me believe the unbelievable

Heal the wounds that have crippled all humour save contempt

Do something funny, you should know how

See if I laugh

Teach me how not to tense with trauma-born indignance

But to breathe and let the sea carve me strong and tender

A solid rock with a smooth face set towards the sun

With open eyes undreaming

The horizon is only glowing like it has been my whole life

It will come

If I can open my eyes

If I don’t shatter first

–

22/7/20